Busy accurately describes my life lately. Exhausted. Stressed.
I’m considering my future for the the first time in quite a long time. Debating the pros and cons of nursing school and really thinking when and where.
Choosing joy. I’m a huge advocate for this. I often have this mindset. But I’m realizing again, joy and happiness aren’t synonymous.
My job brings me a sense of satisfaction, I feel like I’ve accomplished something at the end of the day. Being a mom, helping my family, dreaming of the future.. all these things are good but there’s a key ingredient missing lately.
I know, I know. Time’s up! But still. It isn’t. I miss Liam.
I talked to my pastor the other week. My mom was hospitalized. Life was hard and the unknown was staring me in the face again.
“Life is hard, Pastor Jerry,” I confess, without much forethought. “I want my baby!”
He nodded. He saw my pain, acknowledging the rough road we have had to journey.
There’s much I have left unsaid, struggles and feelings. There is much struggle left for me to fight. And some days, it’s all too much.
So some days I rest. Some days I set the struggle aside, I focus on 1 single task for the day. And I accomplish it. Then I move onto really contemplating if I can do another.
It sounds silly, I know.
But it isn’t.
Jesus stepped away, Jesus rested.
And so must we.
Joy. Happiness. These two are not the same.
But in setting aside the extras. In saying: “today I will ______.” And then choosing carefully to accomplish it, it raises the “I CAN do this.” Because IF I can accomplish this one thing, I can move on to the next. Sort of like the snowball effect for paying off debt.
So if your season has you struggling. And you cannot read one more blog post on choosing joy which therefore insinuates you will be overcome with happiness, here is mine to say:
Life can hurt. Life can drag you through the mid, across coals of fire, and into a deep freeze. Sometimes all at once. You can choose to praise. You can choose to trust. You can make a whole host of “right” choices but it won’t necessarily take away the pain. It won’t give you instant happiness. It’s ok to rest in these seasons of exhaustion and overwhelming feelings. It’s not just okay, in my opinion, I believe it to be necessary.