Peace Seeker: On One Hand …

Is it just me, or are the latest and greatest TV series shows all showing stillbirth or miscarriage a lot more lately? Maybe my pain is still fresh and raw, maybe I’m being overly sensitive, but I keep noticing it. And honestly I don’t like it.

But who would?

And should we stay silent?

Is there ever a time where it’s okay to talk about this stuff? And should that time be in a TV series where the truth of the matter isn’t actually shown?

I was told recently I seem like I’m hurting.

Hi. I am. Thanks.

I won’t deny it, I can’t.

Fact is, this pain that you feel after anticipating and preparing for a birth, then being given a fatal diagnosis, it never goes away.

I’ve seen miscarriage and infant loss portrayed in several popular TV series lately. (And by lately, I mean the last year and a half or so) While this is a subject that needs awareness and attention, I think it’s real stories that we should hear, not romanticized versions or less than real versions, on TV.

What Hollywood and movie makers/creators can’t convey is the absolute emptiness and awfulness you feel. Not just when the diagnosis is given, but a feeling you will forever fight. Whether you’re a mom to others or not, it won’t necessarily matter. You will fight to get out of bed, you will fall into a routine, one that allows you to do what you must but with little heart.

They also cannot convey the fear that will fill you, you will consider pulling your son from school and holding him all day. You will need the snuggles and hugs of your three year old all day, every day. You will be overcome with the fear of losing everything/everyone you love.

You will overcome that fear. You will realize that life is completely out of your control but you might dig your nails in a little harder, fight harder for control in some areas.

Life will fall into a strange routine after you bury that stillborn baby. Some will visit the grave often, some won’t. Each woman has her own story, each woman’s grief is her own. But that strange routine maybe will leave you with a desperate need, a desire for MORE. The hole left by your loss cannot be filled, but you find ways to dull the pain. A new hobby, a new job, something.

Friendships change. Marriages face a massive struggle, one not faced before. Wives are told to understand their husband needs space and time. But husbands, your wife needs YOU. Don’t isolate and pull away from her! She feels like she is being punished. That’s how you lose her.

People will be well- meaning, they’ll try. Well, some will.

Some will judge you, shake their heads and say “she lost a son and now look at her, purple hair? She’s crazy.”

Shrug it off, they won’t understand.

See, when you see that box placed in the ground by your brothers, when you stay strong all day and collapse in the shower at night. When you try and try and pray and pray and yet all seems quiet and you feel lost and forgotten, you realize something incredibly freeing.

Things. Hair. People. Life. It’s all fleeting.

Hair- it changes. Easy peasy.

People- the real ones stay. And honestly, if you’re living your life for people and pleasing them, you’re doing life wrong. Come over, I have chocolate, let’s chat.

Things- things and stuff don’t make you happy. Believe me, I have a credit card bill I’m still paying because I tried to shop away from grief. It was a fail and now I’m just mad.

Life- we are not promised tomorrow. We never were. We are not told that it gets easy. It doesn’t. In fact, I’m kinda thinking it gets harder sometimes. And yea, I’m not loving that prospect either. I’m not suicidal, I’m not taking chances that unnecessarily risk my life. But here’s the thing:

Take the chances. Do the things (within reason).

Movies and TV show that part, but not all the hard stuff in between. No one can prepare you for the pain, the constant ache of missing a member of your family. Maybe someday my ache will lessen, but there will never be a day I don’t remember Liam. (Barring brain injury/disease)

What books, TV, no one can prepare you for is the instant gut reaction of pain when you read a post where someone got not good news at an ultrasound.

I want the world to know. I want people to be kinder, more understanding, BETTER towards the ones in this pain.

My family, when complete someday, will be a big family. Just some await me in another place, a better place.

Those who’ve walked this road, know the pain. They each have their own story, struggle, aha moments. We want to share these things. Can we?

This week, Liam would have been one. I picture a happy baby, and for whatever unknown reason I always picture a dark haired boy, despite the fact that my other two are blonde and blue eyed.

Anyway. That’s my thoughts lately.

For Liam,


P.S. the things described above are pretty personal, to me. My walk is not everyone’s.

One thought on “Peace Seeker: On One Hand …

  1. I am so sorry for your loss and pain. I don’t understand what you’re going through, but I wish I could give you a hug. Grief becomes a part of you, and you never forget what you lost. I pray for strength for you tonight and each day. Thank you for being willing to share your heart. ❤️


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