I have debated long and hard over this post. Sorting through the various thoughts and feelings.
Having this blog has been a marvelous outlet for me. A way to share my thoughts and feelings, a place to wax eloquent over things that no one wants to hear.
I love my family but growing up I was often shut down, I was told my voice was grating. So this has been an excellent place to voice what I need to say without using my physical voice. In it’s own way, it has been a marvelous form of therapy.
But at this point, I am relying somewhat heavily on actual therapy. I am working. I am struggling hard.
My job allows me to love on a forgotten generation. To love and care for and listen to the ones who have lived their lives, who folks make time to visit but sometimes it’s not a priority. But they’re my priority, this generation. They’re full of wisdom and laughter, confusion, and hearts full of the same things mine is full of. I love almost every minute of what I do.
And today as I did the nails of a few ladies, as I shared smiles and books, as I smiled my way through the buildings, I again realized this is me moving forward.
I do not know what tomorrow holds.
Actually yes, I do. Another shift at work. And then the countdown week begins.
On Thursday it is 1 year since Liam entered our lives. On the 19th it is 1 year since I went to the doctor and no heartbeat was found.
I’d be lying if I said I was fine.
I’d be lying if I said I understand.
I do not.
And I am angry. I am hurting.
I cannot read the news. I cannot comprehend the fact that women in various places are pregnant and scared and not necessarily “ready” YET my prayers and wishes denied.
I do not wish to be told how to feel or what to think. I do not wish for empty “you will be fine” murmurs.
I do not post this for sympathy. Please see my heart. My broken, shattered heart.
This journey has not been one I’d wish on anyone. Ever.
It has broken me, my marriage, and caused deep wounds that I’m unsure will ever heal.
Mourning someone you love, it never ends. It’s a wound, that sometimes is painful and causes you immediate and constant pain. Sometimes it doesn’t hurt as much, a dull ache you are aware of but you also see beauty and life around you.
So for a brief time, my page will go a bit silent. This season is especially pain- filled and will require much more effort on my part.