I hate this word: deserve
“But Mommy, I did my chores! I DESERVE __________.”
Um, you what?!
I hate it.
I read a news story about a woman who demanded guests pay *only* $1,500 towards the wedding she deserved.
This post has been mulling around in my brain as I have healed physically.
Because as I took my grief to God, my prayer (well, part of it) went something like this:
“God, why?! I didn’t do anything to deserve this? I serve at church, I am doing my best to be the wife and mother that honors and follows You.”
What do we deserve? As sin cursed people, living on a sin cursed world?
As a woman who suffered various traumas, I do plan someday to ask God why He allowed some things.
As a mom who has lost so many babies, I look forward to Heaven even more. And since our fatal diagnosis with Liam, my Bible reading and prayer time is daily and deeper. It was a terrible thing to go through, but I see blessings.
I am choosing to be more intentional as a mother. Having more babies is not something my body can do, so I am choosing to accept that and be more intentional as a mom with my boys.
Callan and I enjoy quieter days at home, today is a bit lazier than yesterday. We were both up too early, so computer time for me and a learning show on Netflix for him.
My oldest turned 7 and started school. And Callan misses him. But I am enjoying the break from sibling rivalry and have been able to mostly catch up on house work. Mostly.
Today I am being intentional. I need to catch up on this blog. (It’s been official for a year now! YAY!!) I have some catch up with my direct sales business to do. And I have a needy toddler today.
And he DESERVES a mommy who is all in, as much as she can be each day.
I think it pricks me, reminds me of my selfishness, my entitlement. I am guilty of feeling like I am deserving of specific blessings, or favor.
de·serve- do something or have or show qualities worthy of (reward or punishment)
I am so often guilty of feeling deserving or entitled to things… I work hard and expect a reward/ payment. And that isn’t always how life works.
And it gets me a bit frustrated when I hear this word thrown around casually.
But in these last weeks of healing, as I am spending time in prayer and giving Him my heart, my concerns, my fears, my everything… I catch myself taking on this attitude of what I feel I deserved.
I deserved those babies, every single last one of ’em.
Yet often, I gaze on the sweet faces of my boys, whether the day was good or bad, and realize they have been entrusted to me but I don’t deserve them. I fail, often.
I yell. I get angry. I am too lenient. I spoil them. The list can go on for miles in how I have failed. And we are not promised tomorrow.
Often after a rough day, I will cry. Feeling that undeserving of these two amazing boys.
And Satan sneaks his lies in, whispering how it’s good I don’t have other kids, blah, blah, blah ….
Mama, you gotta know: These babies you’ve been entrusted with DESERVE you love. Period. These boys and girls we are raising DESERVE our best every single day. And if you screw up, if you fail, WHEN you fail, these little loves DESERVE to have you come to them and apologize.
I am not entitled to something I have not proved worthy of.. I should not be handed a college degree without putting in the work.
But there are innocent exceptions. I have two, Alex and Callan.
I choose grace.
GRACE. Because one time, a Man took on all so I could come before my heavenly Father and pour out my heart, in whatever words I have.
Grace. Because one time, a Man suffered tremendously to win a war over sin and Hell and to defeat the one who comes and whispers lies.
I have two. How about you?
How can you show grace, and love today? Do you need grace today? Forgiveness?