I apologize for the silence from my corner of the world lately.
Just two days after Easter, my father suffered a stroke. After a hospital stay then a rehabilitation center stay, he was sent home and went to physical therapy.
Garden needed planting and now tilled and weeded. Mulching and edging of the flowerbeds. Gutters cleaned out.
It is strange, typing these words. I am not complaining, I am honored to help.
I am also struggling. Not with helping, in fact I am grateful most days for the ability to serve and help.
Maybe I have been too honest in my blog. And if I share my reasons for that, it puts people on the defense. In fact, other than posting about my boys, politics, or Plexus, I have not shared too much deep personal stuff on Facebook even.
My life feels like a blur, like I barely have time to sit and process life lately.
Self care has been mandated by basically every medical professional and caring individual.
What is self care? It used to be drowning my sorrows in a 6 pack, driving too fast, and hoping all that weighed me down would simply stop.
For some people, it is food. I confess, I can be that person.
For some, it is drugs. Others gardening, running, hiking.. the list can go on.
I am struggling to find what works for me.
I have been doing my nails and toes, feeling guilty each time I splurge.
I have been short tempered, anxious, sleep deprived.
Life has been a blur, a hard blur.
but God has been faithful.
There is this song, it is speaking so deeply into my heart lately. Can you give it a listen? (In case the link didn’t attach properly it is: “Even If” by MercyMe)
It is hard, heart breaking actually, to sing of how good my Father is. Because life doesn’t feel good right now! I can’t see His plan, but I trust in Him.
A concept that I never prioritized, I never felt was doable for me. But since I have spent nights curled in a ball, barely able to stop my brain, sobbing like there is no tomorrow; I have learned to speak honestly to my husband and ask him to support me doing something for me. And he doesn’t say no. And for that, I am grateful. Also incredibly blessed.
Lamar and I celebrated our anniversary this past month. 8 years of marriage, valleys and mountains.
Our pastor is doing a sermon series through the book of Mark and one point he made has stuck with me. (Actually a few have, Pastor, I am simply only highlighting one!)
Jesus, the literal Son of God, prioritized prayer. He made it a priority to spend time in prayer, communicating with His Father.
Maybe that is the ultimate self care. Going before my Father in Heaven and saying something like this:
Lord, I am grateful for Your blessings. I am grateful for the grace, the forgiveness. I come before you, hurting and broken. I miss my baby. I am angry. I wanted to hear his voice, watch him grow, love him forever. Instead, I am left with a grave, the memory of his movements. Hold me, Lord, and guide my steps this day. I don’t know Your plan, but I trust in You. Help me to show you, even on the darkest of days.
The days seem dark sometimes. But in this season, I still choose to trust Him. While my heart hurts and my eyes weep, I know He has my sons and my family, and I, in His hands. His hands, they created the world and they are capable of holding me.
I don’t know what self care looks like for you. I don’t know what burdens you carry, what pain plagues you but I know this: He loves you. And while He could spare us pain and trouble, temptations.. there is truth to the old saying: “No pain, no gain”
God doesn’t give us these trials to break us. In fact, sometimes I believe He allows these trials so we turn to Him. So we put our trust, our hope, our moments solely in Him.
That is my two cents for today. I hope you have a lovely evening.