As I have considered how to wrangle and write all the many thoughts swirling through my head, I hear my boys playing behind me.
A: “My plane is crashing!”
C: “My plane crashin’ too!”
A: “My wings are falling off!”
C: “My wings fallin’ off too!”
What one does, the other will mimic. In play, in life. Sometimes that’s good. Sometimes it makes me cringe. They do it to their daddy and I too.
It is such a privilege to raise these boys. I am learning to stop. Savor the moments. To give hugs and express my love more than my displeasure.
To take time to build memories, teach things, share life.
Children are viewed as a bother, often times, like small annoyances that are here solely to drain us of our energy and life. (P.S. If you have trouble keeping up with your kids, I have a great recommendation for you!)
This past week was my original due date with Liam. This coming Monday, the 5th was the due date determined by an ultrasound.
I have been both dreading and anticipating these two weeks. And here I am, awaiting Monday yet, but I am here. I feel like it’s a declaring milestone, a flag planting “I DID IT!” moment. I have cried many tears on this journey, and the tears still will fall in the years to come. But that’s too hard to consider. So for today, I face today.
“Finally, be strong in the Lord and the strength of his might.” Ephesians 6:10
Might- great and impressive power or strength
As I read that verse this week, I had to consider where God showed His might throughout the Bible. It has always amazed me some of His mighty works, His displays of power, love, even anger! What’s your favorite? And why?
“Then the LORD said to Moses, ‘Tell the people of Israel to turn back and encamp in front of Pi-hahiroth, between Migdol and the sea, in front of Baal-zephon; you shall encamp facing it, by the sea. For Pharaoh will say of the people of Israel, ‘They are wandering in the land; the wilderness has shut them in.’ And I will harden Pharaoh’s heart, and he will pursue them, and I will get glory over Pharaoh and all his host, and the Egyptians shall know that I am the LORD.’ And they did so.” Exodus 14:1 – 4
The Israelites have long been a fascination to me. Their choices, their disobedience. The way God showed His might, His power, grace, love, even anger, to them. In the verses above, they are leaving Egypt after the plagues. Their freedom is in sight. I often think to myself the relief, the anticipation, and excitement they all must have felt. Maybe even confusion, life in Egypt is all quite a few have ever known. God clearly told Moses His plan.
Ah…. I wish He’d tell me His plan!! is a thought I often get hung up on.
Liam’s memory box still in sight in my closet. The clothes the nurses photographed him in, wrapped lovingly. A book, a bear, a cd of photos, a card signed by our nursing staff. I took the picture cd out a week or two ago, I gazed at each picture. His features, his perfect fingers.
God, what is your plan?!
I try to stay away from the Why me? cry. While it’s okay to ask, I find it’s a negative tone my heart doesn’t need. I don’t know His plan, I don’t know why He chose us.
What I do know: 1) He makes me stronger each day 2) He gives me peace 3) My circumstances, this journey, is part of a specific plan.
Do you know what I most remember about the Red Sea crossing? The verses after these four. The ones where the Israelites saw the Egyptians coming and in modern day English language, freaked out. I mean, honestly, they lost their minds. The praises they had JUST sang, were gone. Instead there was defeat, fear, anger. Moses reassured them of God’s plan. Then God commanded Moses to lift his staff, stretch his hand over the sea, and divide it.
Easy, Moses, just divide the Red Sea, no big deal.
What a display of might!!! Does that not make you just smile, in awe of the God we serve! He is still the same God! God revealed His plan, He wanted the Egyptians to know HE WAS THE LORD.
“(for you shall worship no other god, for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God),” Exodus 34:14
“For the LORD your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God.” Deuteronomy 4:24
“for the LORD your God in your midst is a jealous God-lest the anger of the LORD your God be kindled against you, and he destroy you from off the face off the earth.” Deuteronomy 6:15
These verses were spoken by God, written to remind the Israelites that He would have no other god acknowledged as Him. He wants our worship, our praise, our service, US. He wants you and me. In the good times, when life goes our way and we feel on top of the world. In the bad, in the trenches of life when we feel the world is going by and we are left behind.
Lately, that’s how I catch myself feeling, like life is going by and mine is on behind.
At that 5 am hour that Wednesday morning, I felt a pause coming into my life. At 6:10, while I cried through each push. There’s a moment, when I looked into Lamar’s eyes desperately. I cried, “I can’t do this.” The midwife mumbled soothing words, the nurse patted my hand.
I didn’t mean physically. I knew in that moment, the pause was upon me. I knew that life was about to change, tremendously. I knew nothing could stop the ripple effect, the lasting impact this would have on our life, on our sons lives.
The moment he was born, the pause happened. Life stopped. I even stopped breathing, just for a moment, desperate to hear a miracle cry come from his tiny body. The pause continued as I held him, touched him, kissed him.
The pause remained as we placed him in a basket, and the nurses took him away to do hand and foot molds, wash him, and take more pictures. When we were finally discharged and came home. As we met the funeral director, finalized his service. The next day as we went to our son’s funeral, with our other two sons.
That pause stopped, but I feel like if life is a race, I’m several laps behind.
The pause, is upon me again. As I look to that date on the calendar, I look at my shrinking belly, my toes are clearly visible.
I emailed my pastor this week, wondering if I would know if I am missing the purpose of His plan. I begged God all week, as all these emotions tumbled about my brain and heart, demanding attention and needing sorted through.
As I arose this morning, I have felt God’s hand holding me all day. A peace overwhelms my soul. As I go about the few things I have planned, there is a joy in my heart. A smile on my face. Only He can make me strong, lift my countenance, and give me peace and joy while He works in my heart.
As I consider the verses shared there’s a question I have,
What if His plan in each of our lives is simply to show at the end, that He is the LORD?
I think the answer is Yes. I think I need to sit back, let go of the steering wheel, and let Him work through me.
Do you? Is there something you’re fighting to understand, demanding an answer to?
As always, if it’s jumping around and full of rabbit trails, I am sorry. But to be fair, I blog mostly how I talk. I jump around here, there, and everywhere, but eventually my ramblings have a point.
Have a great weekend, everyone!