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Peace Seeker: Day by Day

Saturday was a bad day. There’s just no other way to say it. I wish I could elaborate on some fabulous moments and insights from the day, but nope. I mean, there were some bright spots, but overall I remember the badness. 

 I woke up after sleeping in. A wonderful treat. I woke up because the boys were playing quite loudly in the living room, I prefer quiet mornings when I wake up. 

So I yelled. 

And grumped. 

And allowed that to ruin MY ENTIRE DAY. 

Husband really tried. He did. And everything he tried just frustrated me. 

I wish I could say a reason different from what I am going to. All day I kept berating myself, telling myself to just snap out of it. 

As I was in the shower, preparing to go away for the evening with my family I realized.

 My sorrow was coming out as anger. 

I made a choice with that attitude, to let Satan win. To let Satan dictate this journey, to plant seeds of bitterness and self pity, anger and resentment against God. 

I typed some of this as we drove to our evening’s plans. One son is snoozing, another quietly sitting. Husband and I are silent. We both are spent, having felt at odds all day. I wondered what the evening would bring, hoped the drive would bring out our better selves. After all, isn’t a good reset needed after a day like that? 

I spent some time in prayer before we left. Not as significant as I would have liked. A few moments in my dark closet whispering “God, help me!” over and over. 

 I am grateful my God doesn’t need long eloquent prayers. Or that I need to wait my turn to pray. I’m grateful that whispered prayers, whether in the heat of the moment or alone, whether long or short are heard and acknowledged. 

 After our evening away….. 

 I came home to a dryer of laundry to fold. Two very sleepy boys who went right to bed, and the house is silent other than the washer and dryer humming. The moments I needed all day are here. The evening we had was perfect. Laughter, food, connection. It was fantastic. 

 So maybe the start to my blog needs to be revised. It wasn’t a bad day. It was a day. My outlook needed to change. I needed to be reminded I’m not alone, I’m loved and appreciated, and while I may never be the same old me, I can still set this storm aside and enjoy life. 

I am grateful. I am blessed. And mostly: I am thankful.  

 It’s Monday. I chose to make today a quiet day again. Bonding with Callan. Prepared supper. Praying for my husband. I began my day early, quietly with coffee and my Bible.  

A long talk yesterday with my husband. Deciding the final resting place for our child. Considering how to best help our sons and each other. Spending time in prayer, confessing our questions and wondering but asking that no matter what He guides us and gives us strength for the moments. 

Choices. Each day I must choose Him first, others next, myself last. And the days my emotions want to rule? I must escape to my quiet spot and pray. 

 Enjoy your Monday, friends. 

 Love, Rachelle 

 

2 thoughts on “Peace Seeker: Day by Day

  1. Beautiful honesty… heartbreaking reality. You are an amazing women, and I am so sad for this journey of loss, when it should be a journey of hope, from our perspective and ‘the normal’ pregnancy. You are courageous and beautiful! I love your heart, and who you are! Praying for you, and thinking of you

    Like

  2. Dear Rachelle,

    I first learned of your sweet baby boy at Harvest Lancaster. Please know that I am praying for you during this season of heartbreak.

    In Christ,

    Anna T

    Like

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