“Hello, thank you for calling _________ Funeral Home. How can I help you?”
There is something inside me that will never recuperate from making these phone calls. I will eventually heal, but I don’t believe these broken pieces will ever go back to the person I was before this storm.
I have felt myself changing, choosing to seek God and his peace and joy during this time. I am choosing to spend time just with my family, avoiding public interactions as much as I can. Avoiding those painful conversations with strangers in public, choosing to make this time as easy and pleasant for my boys as we know how to do.
I continue to hear people express that they are continuing to pray for a miracle for us. I appreciate that.
I believe in another blog, I referenced the verses in Jeremiah. Where it says “As the potter sees fit to do” and even though I was hurt and even disappointed that God chose not to perform that miracle, I still had peace. This entire time, well maybe not the first day or two, we’ve prayed continually “Your will be done, And give us the strength to accept your will.”
I will say: That’s the hardest prayer I have ever surrendered my will to pray. Isn’t that what we are to do, no matter what we are praying for? Yesterday I heard Pastor James MacDonald’s radio broadcast, “Walk in the Word” and he was talking about prayer. He said that prayer isn’t us informing God of something. We aren’t ever praying and God’s surprised by what we say. It is instead about trusting God to handle it. It’s saying here, and handing it to Him. (this is my spin on his words, I hope I am not misrepresenting him or his message because it was very good to hear)
Trusting God. Taking this storm, all these frustrations and stressful moments, feeling lost and overwhelmed and saying “Here.” Some of you reading this are parents. Picture your child handing you something, trusting you to take care of it. Some of you are employees, imagine it being your boss or coworker doing it to you. When trust is simplified into that, it’s easy. Or seems it. I have confessed before that I am a bit of a control freak. From the moment the specialist confirmed this pregnancy as not being one that will result in a living baby I can take home, I knew deep inside “I can’t fix this!”
I wonder if that’s how Mary felt a little bit when she was told she would give birth to Jesus, yet she wasn’t married? I wonder if she thought, “I can’t fix this!”
I wonder if it’s a little how Joseph thought?
I don’t want to assume or twist scripture, I have not done any in-depth study on either. To be honest, I never considered their feelings or thoughts much. Mary, I did. I always felt bad for her, to an extent. We know humanity well enough to know there were probably several old (or young) gossips who never really believed her story. I admire her, her job was incredible! Can you imagine the weight of that responsibility, giving birth and raising the Savior of the world? Also the honor, the absolute love she felt during the pregnancy, as she gazed on his sweet face after she delivered him? Oh it makes me weep, honestly.
‘Tis the season. Though it’s far from the joyful, excitement filled season many experience. Our season is pain filled, and full of wondering. I know I am not alone. I know there are many out there who are experiencing pain-filled seasons as well. I want to share a few things you can do to help those who aren’t full of the same happiness you might be.
Be a friend. Ask them how you can help. Show up with a bouquet of flowers, a plate of cookies, even a cup of coffee. Let them be who they need to be. Be empathetic to their season. I believe at some point everyone will have a pain filled Christmas, be the person you may wish to have at your side.
To those suffering this season: LET PEOPLE HELP. Don’t refuse it because of pride, let people help. A lady in my small group told me: “Don’t deprive me of jewels in my crown!” I giggled at how she worded that, but I learned to set aside my pride and allow folks to help. Despite there being nothing wrong physically, I allowed and welcomed meals and help with cleaning. I hired someone to clean my house once or twice a month. Now as time goes on, I have more pain and discomfort and may need to reach out and ask for more help. In the meantime though, I am trying to just savor moments. DO THAT. Savor moments.
My sons are 6 and 2. Our goal is to give them the best possible Christmas we can. Not by way of gifts, our Christmas is leaner this year than others, but by way of family time and memories. Playing together, watching Christmas movies, and just being FAMILY. I love this season more than others, if I am being honest.
We are learning, my husband and I, to set aside the stuff. The pettiness and nitpicking over things that don’t matter (I confess, I am more guilty than he!) and entrusting our grief and pain with our heavenly Father, while we make our children feel loved. I hope in years to come, as the pain subsides and becomes a memory, we never lose sight of the peace that comes from just being in the moment and enjoying the mere presence of each other.
As I close, may I ask you to please continue to pray for us. God is not limited, He can still do whatever He sees fit to do with this baby. As we grieve and prepare for the worst case though, continue to pray that we keep our eyes where they need to be this season: on Jesus.
In case I don’t get another blog out before the holiday is here: