Recently I read an article about a woman who had a stillborn baby. It was her 3rd pregnancy, her third child. She was so busy with life and didn’t continue to monitor baby’s movements. She said that since it was her third pregnancy, she just took for granted everything would be fine.
I couldn’t agree more.
Now every woman who’s suffered the loss of a child at any stage, I’m sure, worries to an extent about miscarriage, etc. There are basic concerns that some of us think about.
I’ve gone through several miscarriages. So when I was pregnant with C, I worried constantly I’d miscarry. Everything went really, very fine.
When we got pregnant with this one, I worried about miscarriage to an extent, but once I was passed that 12 week mark, I was filled with anticipation and excitement!
I have allowed fear to settle in and make itself at home in my heart. Fear is a crippling thing. And I have tried not to let it happen, but it did. About a week ago, God brought that to my attention. And I’ve been addressing these fears head on, one at a time.
2 Timothy 1:7 “for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”
Philippians 4:4 -7 “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be made known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Those verses above, the ones from Philippians. WOW.
When this was written, God knew I would need them. Just as countless others have needed them before me and need them now. Just as many others will need them in the future.
I mentioned before this “One Month of Thankfulness” challenge I am participating in on my Instagram and Facebook pages. On Wednesday night, I posted how grateful I am for being able to sing. Especially on my church’s worship team. Well, on Wednesday we spent a good half hour just praying. Each member, each person there, we prayed for each other and for the requests mentioned. When the other female vocalist prayed, she said this: “Father, we thank you for this and what you will do.” I bristled initially. I don’t want to think of losing this precious life. I don’t want the pain, I don’t want to bury a baby I never got to know. I don’t want to join “that” club, I don’t. I don’t want any of this. I wanna be the mom complaining of not being able to see her toes, or shave her legs properly. I want to complain about baby dancing on my bladder and being awoken a million times through the night just to have to run to the bathroom.
That’s what I want.
I don’t want pain, no more pain. Sign me up for that life!
Fears. Pain. Failures. Not getting my way. It’s the very thing I have been teaching my 6 year old, and my 2 year old. Am I exempt?
In my last blog post, I said about the peace that God has placed in my heart. I cling to that and am learning to step forward.
Now to find the words to share, because that’s what He is asking me to do. To be vulnerable and real, to allow Him to use me during this time when I want nothing more than to curl up and hide from the world.
On Monday we go for an ultrasound. Last night baby was as active as ever. My belly grew. I am fighting a battle between fear and choosing to live life. I can’t ignore the life I have, the two sweet boys and husband. The church, the small group, the school.
There may come a time when that changes, and God will tell me that. For now, I am grateful. I sing my heart out. I hold my belly at night when I pray and throughout the day. I say “Thank you” to my Abba Father. I do not understand, maybe I never will, but for now I know this:
He has my full attention. And on the days I just can’t, I can rest in His arms.
For now I must close. I have rejoicing to do with my 2 year old and a dog to govern. (Haha!) I have laundry to dry and a life to live today.
REJOICE. REJOICE! Go out with rejoicing and love in your heart!