Fair warning, this post may jump around a bit. I am sorry in advance for that.
Emotional pain. We have all experienced it in one way or another. I remember the first time my heart got hurt. One of those deep, heart hurts that you feel like you’ll never recover from and you’ll remember forever. I’ve forgotten the details, though the memory remains.
I also clearly remember the second big event in my life of emotional hurt. I was reminded of it recently when I found an old journal. In it I had written these words: “What if he comes to my door, rings my doorbell and says he wants to talk to me? The breaks up with me, right there on the porch?!” That fear was a huge one. It was written on May 9, 2010. It was just 13 days before Lamar and I were to be married. That fear is gone.
There have been other memorable moments of emotional pain. Each one feels like a lump in your gut, one that will never be forgotten or forgiven, one that you just can’t possibly survive.
I’ve mentioned the “lump in your gut” moments before. The moment they arrive. The dread that fills your soul, starting way down deep in your toes. These pain filled moments, they are hard, tearful, emotion charged. There is one word that rarely describes these moments and times.
“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give you. Let ot your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” John 14:27
Context: Jesus was saying this promise to the disciples, preparing them for His coming death, resurrection, and ascension into heaven.
This week, He’s speaking them to me.
To me. A regular, average wife and mom.
I am not a preacher, I am not some famous speaker who has amazing insights and tweetable quotes. Guess what?
That doesn’t matter. NOT ONE BIT.
(Right about here, I’m breaking into chorus of the “Hallelujah Chorus”. But quietly because it’s 10:30 p.m. and my kids are snoring.)
I have favor with God. I have freedom. And no matter when I cry, He listens. So last week, I had some really bad days. I was overcome with anxiousness over the baby and all the “what if” scenarios I can think of. (And there’s a lot!)
One night I was laying in bed. Tears streaming down my cheeks. And I cradled my belly in my arms and began to pray.
I prayed for my husband and my sons. I prayed for my son’s teacher and classmates. I prayed for the worship team and pastors. I prayed for my marriage and my unborn baby. I prayed for strength, but also the ability to let my burdens with Him.
Immediately I was filled with peace. Peace. A remarkable and amazing peace, and a specific prayer. A prayer that I pray often throughout each day, that I end my day with, and that I have shared with my church.
At our next scheduled ultrasound (November 20), I am praying for a miracle. For a healthy baby, for signs that we should absolutely definitely not see for this type of pregnancy that we’ve been diagnosed as having. How amazing would that be?!
And maybe that’s not God’s will. And of all the hard stuff I have walked through, not knowing God’s will and needing to wait on it has always freaked me out. This time I have peace. He has this. He has me. He is forming my baby.
So today my husband and I picked out the names. A boy name and a girl name. And on Monday, I hope we can see clearly this little one’s gender. I hope we can see more. I hope and pray to see God’s power at work in a mighty way.
He is the God who parted the Red Sea. He is the God who turned my rebellious heart toward Him and saved me from death. He is the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. And He’s the God holding me and my baby.
I hope this little update speaks to you. I’m hoping someone, or several someones, with heavy burdens are reminded that we can take these burdens and lay them down. He will take them. He knows all about them and exactly how big they are, He just wants us to realize how small we are and that we need Him.
And I’m always an email away, willing to pray for you.