I have said several times, I love words. And too often I fail to use the right ones. No I don’t mean like mixing up “affect or effect” or misusing “your or you’re”. I mean sometimes, I am faced with a choice to choose peace with what I say, or post, and I don’t always make the right choice.
“For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. The good person out of his good treasure brings forth good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure brings forth evil. I tell you, on the day of judgement people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.” Matthew 12: 34b-37
Jesus’ words, so timely and true for my word prone tongue and fingers.
Recently I engaged in a not serious discussion on Facebook. It quickly turned less than friendly when my funny comment was replied to by someone who hasn’t left the best impression on me. So instead of being a grown up, I became childlike and petty and decided it was solely on me to make him see the error of his ways in how he had offended me. Well it didn’t work out that way and his words to me in ending were mean and rude and untrue, but it caused me to think.
I was wrong in that scenario. His offense toward me was annoying but it was not a stumbling block and I could have easily moved onward and forward.
In the moment when his words presented the opportunity for my response to “put him in his place”, I should have stopped.
All my life I have been told what to say and how to say it, what to believe, how to dress, to submit, to never speak “over” a man, to never let my emotions rule my response (a good one, now that I think of it). I was taught how to fit who I was into a small box so I would fit. I would like to say I was good at it but lying is a sin.
I hated and resented that my preachers could tell me what thoughts to think, what books to read, what music to listen to. I hated that any infraction, minor or large, required a confession.
It has taken me years to forgive this authority, to not judge all men based on them, to grow and live in the love my church shows.
Sometimes, it just takes 1 man. 1 arrogant, small minded man, full of himself and his authority and knowledge to throw me into self defense mode. A mode that is dangerous for me. In that mode, I quickly become like a caged animal, lashing out and rejecting anything that comes close. A dangerous mode to survive in, for any Christian.
I messed up. In that moment, I neglected my calling and desire to be a mother who loves and creates peace.
God reminded me of the verse above. “from the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.” So as this blog was forming in my head these last days, I looked up the verses surrounding it. These are facts we know. Our words, spoken and written, we are accountable for. Will our defense be valid? Heavy thoughts this time, I know.
I am a woman of many and of strong opinions. I am a woman who I believe God created with the ability to speak clearly my mind. Am I doing it for worthwhile causes? Am I doing it for God reasons or self?